A Miscarriage is also a Loss

Somewhere today a woman is crying. Silent tears of sadness only she can understand. It's all too familiar to me because five years ago, I too sat crying for a loss I could never understand. So why do I feel the need to share my story? Well, to highlight that Miscarriages are most often hushed up, passed off as a common occurrence, leaving the woman no time to absorb her feelings, with no warm and gentle thoughts to help her cope and no room for empathy because it's usually swept under the carpet.

It was my birthday, I was approximately eight weeks pregnant and the look of concern on my doctor’s face was evident. I was quickly taken for an Ultrasound where another doctor quite coldly declared "there's nothing there". I mustered the courage to ask what he meant and he just said "no growth, it must have been deformed". A nurse walked in later and made every effort to cheer me up by informing me that I was young enough and would have many more babies later, I would just have to keep trying. Yes, such cold, insensitive comments from people who are entrusted with lives. I was quickly given two choices: medicine to abort whatever was within me or a D&C (the first time I ever heard this term). I chose the latter (in spite of not wanting to) because the doctor instilled such a huge fear about the medicine route. I was told that it's a common occurrence and happens 90 percent of the time (and blah blah blah) mostly because of weight and unhealthy eating. As if I did not feel guilty enough, I was even being blamed for it. So on a day that was really supposed to be filled with celebrations, I was wheeled to the OT and after the "procedure", admitted into the labour ward. Yes, a ward filled with the cries of tiny newborns and jubilant new parents. Oh! And did I mention that my roommate was a mother who had just delivered a cute baby boy? I am unsure if anyone has experienced this unfortunate moment the way I have. To me my world has literally just stopped but to everyone else it seemed a perfectly normal occurrence that did not deserve to be categorised as a loss. 

How many of us have suffered not once but unfortunately maybe several times only to be told that we should never stop trying, that these things happen (they throw in some statistics) and that we should remain positive? Really? I would like to tell such people that a Miscarriage is also a loss. It's a feeling that leaves you empty and heart-broken too. It also requires time to heal and should never be passed off as something that is common and happens to all women. Statistics don't matter when you lose a baby! Empathy does. A cold and insensitive attitude will not aid the grieving process but a supportive and gentle response will. 

To the women who have suffered a loss: I have walked that road before and although the body heals quickly, the mind takes time. Talk to a close friend or support group where you feel comfortable discussing your situation. You are not alone and it's okay to grieve. 

In case you'd like to share your thoughts and experience, I would be honored to hear from you. Thank you for taking time to read this article.